NSL FINALS – 6/25/2024
By Jim Massie, factory clerk
THIS IS IT! After all the drama, the arrests, the no-shows, the marriages and the lawsuits, we have come down to the Nashville Crushers (1-1, 5 points) versus the New York Knights (2-0, 7 points) to be the first-ever champions of the National Squash League. While Team World may have lost the initial exhibition match on March 1 against Team US, they won the war. Five of the six players tonight are from outside the US and the one who isn’t, two-time national champion Slimmy Tim Tim Tim Tim Brownell, is kind of a gray area because he’s from New Hampshire, which is technically South Quebec. In fact, more of the finalists are Colombian than American (Matías Spinbender Lothbrok-Knudsen and the lab-grown Ron Palomino), which makes me wonder if it’s not time we yielded hemispheric leadership to an army that can ride anacondas into battle. King Vargas’ reign continues to yield dividends!
As is fitting, Sean and the Bragman, our favorite squash announcing (squannouncing?) duo, are in the building for this final battle, but in a massive disappointment to Sean the Knights are wearing black jerseys now. So much potential (jersey) whiteness wasted! (*sobs*)
Knights’ players Knudes (white, wearing black) and Sébastien Bonmalais (black, wearing white) dominate the NY fashion scene.
Each team’s top 3 are present and relatively healthy, which is an achievement given Slimmy Slim’s penchant for poisoning his opponents. The lone exception is Nashville’s Simon “The Gingerbread Man” Herbert, whose ankle did come off, possibly because he wasn’t fully cooked, but doctors say it is okay since they found it and will glue it back on with icing before the match. Knudes warms up for New York, wearing wrestling gear on his head because Andrew Douglas has sworn vengeance (see Massie’s Musings – Knights vs. Grizzlies) and could be anywhere. Sean approves of Matïãs leaving his trail leg hanging out there, as it is at best dickish and at worst dangerous, and pleasantly reminisces about the time he deployed boiling oil in a match against Dartmouth.
Tonight’s format will keep the power play format from the Women’s Exhibition last night, where the team on the play gets the serve every time. Will this change favor New York and their hyper-aggressive offense? The announcer duo has a broader debate as to who the best player is; they agree that Knudes is probably the best for the power play format, but all around? Bonmalais? The Bragman points out Timmy Brownell is ranked 29th in the world and founded the league, but is the worst athlete and has the worst-selling swimsuit calendar. Timmy HAS put on 15 pounds of muscle, mostly in the back end (and believe me, the Bragman checks closely), but Choi doesn’t feel it’s enough and picks Bonmalais despite the Frenchman now being in an unacceptably black jersey. Apparently France became too bourgeois for L’Êclair and he’s now in Prague, which has become a hotbed of squash featuring Gregory Gaultier, Mohamed El Shorbagy, Nour El Sherbini and other luminaries who regularly get together in coffeehouses and debate suffering.
Slammin’ Sam Scherl is the coach again for New York. In light of his coaching success, the NSL has decided that each team will have five members next season so that the teams not only have enough players to sub in but can pull a Lord of the Flies if needed and form their own rudimentary governments. Over the music of Tucker the DJ, who lives in Bragman’s couch at Denison, the announcers discuss Sam’s pedigree on the loaded post-COVID Harvard teams and how Scherl even played in a higher spot than Slimmy Brownell. Sean, naturally, chalks that up to cheating.
In the discussion of Nashville’s chances, the Bragman admits that Ron is “long and lengthy,” which allows the Crushers to hit great depths. Additionally, Crushers’ coach Dylan Ccnnngnghnnnnng is a noted program and body builder, currently working to build the greatest middle school program in history at Montgomery Bell Academy in Nashville. He has such renown that no less than Knudes likes to work with Cnngg; they talk every day and plot Instagram stunts. Will this prompt drama and a betrayal?! Sean secretly hopes so. Either way, New York was smart to put Scherl in as there was no way full time owner/part time coach Elizabeth Hill could have won that weigh-in. In fact, anything without four-wheel-drive is going to struggle against Dylan.
The Bragman talks about how all the unwaxed hairs on his body are standing up with excitement at the electric atmosphere, throwing shade at every match environment that came prior, and Sean points out that it might just be that he, like everyone else in the building, is drunk. Ryan Leslie tells the crowd to sit the hell down before introducing the teams and everything goes according to plan until, to my shock and displeasure, it turns out that not only is Mãtíâs Knúdsen a frontrunner for “League MVPLee,” but there is a K sound before his name, as in Kannniggits. What the hell?! Have I been writing it wrong this entire time? My spirits pick up when Sêbastien Bõnmalais is introduced with the nickname of “The Flasher.” I can work with that.
The first match of the championship will be the aforementioned Kanudsen (NY) against Slim Tim (NAS). Kudos to whoever was in charge of press ganging on the street, since the crowd is quite large and sufficiently liquored up! Before play starts, the Bragman asks if Sean is ready to “swag surf,” which I assume is code for some degenerate act that will require themed towels, and Sean mis-hears this as an invitation to gamble with “huge” sums of money. Both he and Ryan Leslie would prefer that to whatever the Bragman has in mind. When play starts, at 1-1, Matías tries to hit the moon and JUST misses, then quickly recovers to a 3-2 lead, fueled by a frozen yogurt that he won from The Ron yesterday. A brisk 40-shot rally burns the residual calories, though, and at 4-3 Coach Scherl decides to move fast.
Well, “fast” might be too strong a word. He does casually wave the Red Flag of Power Play though.
It’s a good idea. After all, Knúdes averages 4 points per play and with the new rules whenever he feels like he’s in a bad position he can just concede the rally, grab the ball and serve it again. But then a funny thing happens on the way to the forum; since Timmy Brownell invented the power play and knows boundless ways to mess with it, he alternates repeated corkscrews and choppy drives with high bounces to slow the rallies to a crawl. The Spinbender has no answer for this active stalling and turns in the worst power play of his career with only two points. Advantage Slimmy!
Well, at least for the moment. A leisurely 50-shot rally, during which we learn the entire history of the New Hampshire Brownell squash dynasty back to Mohamed al Nahif Brownell (who came over on the Mayflower), ends with a Knudeslam and a Total Switcheroo™ with New York up 8-3.
Now it’s Sèflashtien vs. El Ron! Seb hits an ace so sexy that the Bragman tries to date it, and after a couple of Bonmalais errors a nonchalant 50-shot rally at 5-9 ends the way everything does when the French are involved, in an unsatisfying interference call. With El Ron unwilling to hit an effective drop shot and Seb seemingly unable, both men are content to drag out every rally as long as possible and give the announcers nothing to do but revisit their gambling predictions. Sean admits that, while he favors New York, their jersey change has made him realize there are “very fine people on both sides.”
Ron Palomino hits a winning drop that inspires the Bragman to claim he has a bottom soft as a baby’s hands, then follows it up with a leisure center boast, but he’s struggling. The Éclair just gets to everything. A 46-shot megarally ends with more French shenanigans and Coach Cnnghhngggnn has seen enough. Down, 7-15, it is time call in the Gingerbread Man. Coach Scherl counters by sending Rory Stewart to set an international record for most red hair simultaneously on a squash court.
An AI attempts to do justice to Herbert versus Stewart and actually comes close.
The two men split points on excellent kill shots, but Nashville gets hope when Gingerbert drops his racquet mid-rally and then wins the point anyway. Sensing momentum, the Crushers call their power play and go for it all, knowing that they are pretty much out of time. Rory will have none of it and does a magnificent job of both stalling out and driving everyone nuts. Not only does he negate the power play by holding Herbert to 2 points, when he wins the serve he takes a couple of extra seconds to switch sides. This delights Sean, who assumes that deep down everyone is as ugly as him and as such Rory was just pretending not to know where to go. He may be right. Two more minutes of this infuriatingly clever play and New York has a low-scoring period one in the books. Ryan Leslie invites the Haggis of the Hour to share his thoughts with the crowd and this out to be an amazingly bad decision.
I tried the closed captions but even Google’s powerful autogenerator couldn’t handle the random Scottish noises and quit.
Baffled, Ryan tries another tack and interviews New York playercoach Slam Scherl but has no better luck. Scherl cleverly mutes the broadcast so no one can figure out his strategy; little things like this are why he’s the winningest player in Harvard history. League officials accordingly give up on the break, stop the music and suddenly we’re back at it with Slimmy (NAS) versus Knudes (NY) Parte the Seconde!
Knudes immediately takes a 1-0 lead. Sean invites everyone to drop into the Bragman’s DMs, as he enjoys chats with lovely young lads and as a bonus you might get a Rosetta Stone for Rory Stewart. When the Slim One battles back and ties everything at 3, Crushers’ coach Cnnnnggg shows what he’s learned by using his powerplay to attack the opponent’s worst defender. It pays off; Knudes is a Viking and sulks the entire play because he can’t be flamboyantly violent. The Slim One goes on a 5-point run with at least three points coming when Matîas wasn’t paying attention, prompting Scherl to put in Bonmalais to try and stem the bleeding. Coach Hnnngigngngngn is ready for this, though, and counters with “The Pal” Palomino for our second rematch of the period.
There’s a deep dark part of Sean (to go with all the other deep dark parts of Sean) that’s rooting for a New York comeback so we have a chance at our first shootout in NSL history. If Nashville wins this period, though, the winner of period 3 will take the championship. Palomino, for his part, is determined to foil Sean and wins a sixty shot rally, then goes on to whomp L’Éclair with his swing although the latter doesn’t even flinch. The French are used to pain, ma petite chouchou. Lifting the ball isn’t working for Bonmalais because Ron is seventeen feet tall, so he changes gears to try and attack more. The two up the ante on fantastic stunts, prompting Scherl to deploy the New York powerplay, but the Gironffe just keeps turning in fantastic rally after fantastic rally to chew through time. And even when S3bastien wins Ron just does stuff like this. Nothing gets through! Palomino, ranked 130 in the world, leaves up 7 and Bonmalais leaves on a tour of the countryside for some wine and cheese and introspection. It’s the greatest thing! This leaves Herbert vs. Stewart for our third rematch of the period.
After his successful shift Ron asserts dominance over the lesser males.
At the beginning of England vs. Scotland 8,101,544: This Time It’s Personal, Sean believes Herbert slides deliberately to a.) stop the clock and b.) steal everyone’s wallets. The Bragman claims that Simon doesn’t like soccer so it may not have been a flop but Sean claims it’s in his blood since he is European. Rory struggles mightily to close the gap but he’s really not built for a comeback. Fortunately Sherbert, who like Knudsen is a sprinter, begins to wilt after about 180 seconds of constant attrition, and with under two minutes left Stewart has closed to three points. The announcers say he’s cut into the lead, cursing him, forcing the Tartan to hit a lob out and things are pretty much over. OR ARE THEY? It’s madness, madness I tell you! Herbert is gassed and Rory’s not giving up with sixty seconds left! The announcers aren’t giving up on Rory! Until, of course, they do. A last couple of panic points pad the Crushers lead and New York’s run of four straight period wins comes to an end. WE ARE TIED!
At this point I make an executive decision to switch streams over to US Squash, since they have a live chat. I then switch back to the NSL channel, because I have no desire to get in a fight with one of Rory’s relatives and subsequently be impaled by a caber.
ENJOY YOUR STREAM, SIR, AND GOOD DAY!
The commercials and their pleasant music end abruptly and we are yanked back to Palomino vs. Bonmalais III. Since New York won their first encounter and Nashville the second, I admire both coaches for their nads in smashing the players together for a third and possibly decisive time. THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE, and we just have to hope that it lives up to the hype!
Séflàshtien believes the initial serve was down and is displeased. He gets it back with a dodgy close pickup midway through a 30-shot rally and the Squash Gods (Squods) are appeased. The two put maybe the best show of the entire NSL season, splitting points until the Êclair ascends to a higher plane during a 29-shot rally at 5-5. While Columbia Ron is reeling from the preposterously French display, Slam Scherl pulls his most devious move yet, realizing that Coach Hnngngcccngm isn’t holding any signal flags, and starts waving his around like a madman!
The flags aren’t obvious enough. I suggest we go to Roman Candles next season.
Because Slam gets his sub flag acknowledged and THEN his powerplay flag up before Nashville could find either of theirs, according to the Mishnah he gets to bring a fresh player on AND start a New York powerplay AND Palomino has to stay on for it! This is insanely clever coaching and Knudes wastes no time going on the attack.
BUT THEY DIDN’T COUNT ON RON! Despite being hit over the head with the kitchen sink, he holds his fellow Columbian to just three points during the two-minute power play, keeping Nashville in the match and sending notice that giraffes are going to take over the world when we’re gone. The Crushers breathe a sigh of relief, call in Slim Tim down by only five and ARE YOU KIDDING ME? New York is calling their other power play!! They are going to use both power plays back-to-back riding or dying with the Spinbender and then try to hold on with a prevent defense for twenty minutes! This is the craziest thing anyone has tried in squash since David Palmer replaced the ball with cherry bombs back in the early 90s, and it prompts Tim to run in a manner that does nothing to assuage the Bragman’s “unathletic” criticisms of him earlier. Seriously, watch it at .25 speed and marvel. Yet without time to warm up, Slenderman is vulnerable, and Knødes finally breaks through by adding three points in the additional minute. He leaves with an 8-point lead and the love of all the little Knùdlings wearing his jersey in the stands, but will it be enough?
Matìas (middle, beard) is always good for “three valiant minutes, no more, no less.”
The Tartan Terror will be the first to try and hold for New York. He hasn’t played Slimmy Tim Tim Tim Tim yet, though, who is so in command of the situation that he calls for his own one minute power play after splitting the first two points. Rory responds by showing his abs, much to the Bragman’s delight, and kills the play only giving up one point, which occurs when Timmy breaks his racquet on Stewart’s head and the referee, after a dispute, agrees it was interference. Nashville is officially in trouble now, down eight with only their two-minute power play left, and tries to drive Rory from the game with a record-breaking 77-shot rally that takes almost two minutes. After the two trade fouls, Coach Hnnndgnggngnam senses that turnabout is fair play, calling his two-minute powerplay and sub simultaneously in the hopes that Gingerbert can rack up points quickly against the gassed Scotsman. It had better work; down seven, no greater a luminary than the Bragman goes way, way out on a limb and proclaims “this may be the match.”
Tell me you wouldn’t give people this cookie at Christmas. You can’t. We both know you would and it would be hilarious.
Unfortunately, Herbert spends more time in the tin than his namesake at the holidays. That, combined with some Sean-approved douchebaggery from Rory, leaves Nashville with only a two-point gain from the play; Coach Cnnghmgmmgh, in a last-ditch attempt to motivate his team, leaves. Sean theorizes that this is part of a brilliant plan to have the coaches duke it out on court, which I agree would be fantastic, although the Bragman throws cold water on the idea by pointing out that Dylan spends most of his time powerlifting cheeseburgers these days and he might not be in squash shape. It’s 22-13 Knights as we go under ten minutes.
Sensing some fatigue in his less-gingery foe, Herbert ups the pace in a desperate attempt to close the gap and it kind of works. Stewart winds up on the wrong side of a no-let call and that frustrates him, allowing Simon to sneak in another point off a counter-drop. Two points in a minute for Nashville spooks Coach Scherl; after a largely successful eleven-minute shift, they send the Tartan Tenderizer to the cold, swampy Highland showers and bring in their final, angst-ridden ace. If you’ve been a regular reader of these columns you know who it must be.
“Les Américains ne peuvent pas vivre un événement historique majeur sans la présence digne et passionnée des Français.”
Still recovering from his cigarette break, the Flasher loses his first point to interference and his second to a tin, but the two then trade points and by the time this happens he is entirely warmed up. Gingerbread Man signals that he is done and ready to come out of the oven having cut the lead to six. It’s time for Nashville’s final throw and what the audience has been waiting for – the Crushers’ best guy (29th in the world) versus the Knights’ best guy (28th) with seven minutes left and a championship on the line!
That is genuine excitement with genuine pom poms at a squash match. Hot damn! Next year we’ll have vuvuzelas.
Slim Tim Brownell enters the chat, and what follows will resonate with future generations like the Battle of Gettysburg, or at least the invasion of Grenada. Timmy picks up point 1 with a strange bounce, which Sean gleefully points out was due to Timmy knowing every crevice of his home court and playing dirty, and that’s possible because I put nothing past either of them. He then follows it up with an amazing 63-shot grinder that takes ninety seconds and contains multiple acts of gallantry from Le Flash that keep the rally alive, including at the 20-shot mark when Bonmalais picks his leg up to give Tim a better shot at the front wall. Although I can hear Sean’s teeth grinding, such sportsmanship with a championship on the line is most welcome and the Squods will surely reward it. Right?
They do! On the next point, Monsieur Bonmot plays a volley instead of fishing for a point and gets the lead back to five with under five minutes to go! And after a sloppy error gives Slimmy the serve back the rally of the season happens. I have no words, you just need to watch it for yourself. Fifty-three shots, another ninety seconds and the biggest eruption yet seen in an American squash crowd later, we’re officially at the point where Nashville is going to need a miracle.
Above: Standing-room-only joy
Here’s the thing, though. Timmy Brownell founded this league. He’s put in thousands of hours, put up with all sorts of nonsense from Sponsor Lovejoy and eaten empty sandwiches to save, scrimp and will the NSL into existence, and he will NOT go quietly into that good night. Not only does he win the next point, but then, with only 150 seconds to go, he keeps his cool, takes his time and carves out his OWN 33-shot rally-of-the-year-candidate.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?! SEASON TICKETS ARE NOW AVAILABLE, CITIZENS!”
He follows that up with a spectacular Slimmerman boast just seconds afterwards and an overhead slam to the nick on a too-low lob from the heaving Frenchman, and just like that, with sixty seconds left, NASHVILLE IS SERVING FOR THE TIE!! There isn’t a dry armpit in the house as the rally starts. Then, ten shots in, the Squods intervene…
TIMMY NOOOOOOOOO
Still, it’s not over yet. Sêflashtien has regained the serve with a two-point lead; if he can make the rally last forty seconds, the Knights win the championship. But if Timmy can somehow get a point, HE’LL serve with a chance to tie and no one knows what happens if there’s a tie when time expires. Do they play an untimed point to decide everything? Do we go to Sean’s fabled shootout? Does the ground open up and release giant scorpions, prompting our heroes to put aside their differences and team up to face their common enemy? I would watch that movie!
The Frenchman serves. And as the seconds tick down, a stern but fair let notwithstanding, it becomes clear that it’s going to take a perfect shot from Slim to end the rally. HE TAKES THE RISK but the nick doesn’t quite fall and Bonmalais saves it! Only Bonmalais could save it! But he’s not out of the woods and barely boasts it back and TIM GOES FOR IT AGAIN ON A COUNTERBOAST! Flash lunges past him and barely gets it to the front wall, and Timmy CRUSHES A VOLLEY BACKHAND THAT SHOULD BE A WINNER but Sébastien somehow warps five feet and gets THAT back, and even better gets it back deep, forcing Tim to retreat and play a forehand boast and pray, which he does but years of court sprints pay off and Sébastien is right there and starts a drop battle in the front right corner, but TIM IS THERE but can only counter-drop and he leaves it high which SÉBASTIEN GETS TO IT AND HITS A COUNTER-COUNTER- DROP RIGHT IN THE NICK AND TIM GETS TO IT AND
The *TUNK* heard round the world.
Pandemonium ensues. A release of doves coincides with a great earthquake and the stars in the sky fall to the earth as figs from a tree. Coachowner Hill and Lady Knudsen jump up and down with unbridled joy, as do the Knights players, most members of the audience and, presumably, all of New York. The Crushers, despite their obvious disappointment, embrace and congratulate their foes in a flagrant display of sportsmanship, sparking Sean’s obvious disappointment since he hoped for a lawsuit regardless of the outcome. As the peons rush onto the court with tables and banners for the trophy ceremony Matías throws his racquet into the crowd to celebrate, followed by his underwear. The announcers euphorically babble about the awesomeness they just beheld, throwing shade at everyone and everything and especially each other, then sign off for the season to go join the revelry. Before the fans tear down the glass court Ryan Leslie takes the mic, regains control and starts the awards presentation.
First up is Shanin, son of the Specter Center’s namesake Senator Arlen Center, whose ghost hangs out by the glass courts and gives legal advice if you offer a gin and tonic. He complements everyone on the bonkers finale and awards the Glass Championship Trophy of NSL Champions to Knight’s Coachowner Elizabeth Hill.
(L-R) Rory Stewtartan, Sam Scherl, Sébastien, random photographer, Alpha Knudsen, Omega Knudsen disguised as a civilian, Coachowner Hill (sparkly pants), Shanin Center, Ryan Leslie and…white blazer guy?
Ryan, in turn, awards the League MVP to the Man of the Match, the fellow who redeemed France, who triumphed despite my manifold and wicked misspellings of his name – Sébastien Bonmalais. Knowing that he is now in the pantheon of Gallic heroes like the Marquis de Lafayette, Coco Chanel and Asterix, Bonmalais, his voice cracking with emotion, admits that while he has never called himself “The Flasher” he has seen the TV series and “loves the characters,” so he appreciates whoever invented the nickname.
Then we get a shocking twist – white blazer guy is secretly the power behind the league, the Commissioner Vince McValdizan!! Blood rushes to my ears, I drop everything I’m holding in slow-motion and the final piece of the puzzle falls into place when I hear that name. See, back when I was memorizing the NSL website, it hit me that I never saw the mysterious second New York team owner. I just figured he/she was in Barbados or something. But it turns out the woman who has been hanging around with the Knights, who I thought was just another Knudsen that New York was holding in reserve, is actually a Valdizan and therefore one of the most powerful people in squash – AND HER TEAM JUST WON THE CHAMPIONSHIP! OMEGA KNUDSEN WAS KEYSER SOZE!!
My God. An inside job – what a twist!! This is why you pay for top scriptwriters instead of whatever the hell I am. I doff my baseball cap to them; I never saw that coming. All of you, re-watch the entire season and figure out what we missed! With three more teams and an entire new Women’s league to keep track of we’ll need to be on our game to avoid being surprised again; next season they’ll have dozens more characters and potential storylines to play with.
So with that breathtaking revelation the first National Squash League ends. Congratulations to the Knights, well done to the Crushers and stay tuned to this space over the coming ten months as I will cover several offseason exhibitionist matches and write an exhaustive Sneak Preview before next year’s draft. If you need to reach me, too bad! In the meantime, keep practicing, keep building hype for Season 2, and, as always RESPECT THE GAME.
Jim
