MASSIE’S MISSIVES #4 – ENTER THE LEGENDS

By Jim Massie, factory clerk

AWAKEN, NSL fans, from your monthslong slumber and certain depression!  Our intrepid organizers – Sponsor “The Tranquilizer” Lovejoy, Slimmy Brownell and Fernando Soze-Valdizan – have spent months reviewing what went right (jersey sales), wrong (the tragic guillotining of Victor Crouin for improper croissant preparation) and hilarious (hearing Supreme Court justices read actual Jackson Bragman quotes for FCC vs. Bragman) in the first NSL season. 

“Our client does a lot of good work in the community, your honor…”  “Then tell him to stop giggling at the phrase ‘oral arguments.’” 

In order to satiate the throbbing, red-hot demand for more team squash action, the trio dreamt up the undreamable – what if players from different generations and/or planets could meet in a winner-take-all showdown for bragging rights?  Everyone loves to see the big names, so what were the biggest names they could get?!  Who would represent the historic crew and the sad, sad parts of the solar system that aren’t America?

The boys put an entire convenience store’s worth of product in their hair and got to work.  Their first call, to England’s Nick “Mark of the Wolf” Matthew, was productive, and later they encountered John “The Great” White Shark on his (and their) way to the bathroom.  He wanted nothing to do with them until he got a call from David Palmer, a former Marine who is best known for a delightful evening in 2018 when he conducted stress tests on me for his amusement, and the two struck a secret deal to humiliate the young’uns, starting with them wedging Slimmy into a downspout.

With no time to get Brownell out before the event, it was decided the modern generation would be led by Sponsor, Veer “The Encyclopedia” Chotrani (who was already living on their couch), and, after his checks bounced and he needed work, Matías Knùdsén of the defending NSL Champion New York Knights.

Yet disaster struck just days prior to the match, when word came via old-timey telegram that David Palmer was in a field hospital after taking a land mine to the hip.  Fortunately, he called his old “mate” and former world number eleven Cameron Pilley (“Mate” is an all-encompassing Australian term that can mean friend, spouse, business rival, opposing fighter or total stranger, assuming they aren’t all the same person), who had been spending a peaceful retirement wrestling spiders in downtown Grafton, NSW.  Pilley was more than happy to make the 38-hour flight to Philly provided that he didn’t have to go back for a while, AND SO! WE! BEGAN!

 

Somebody should laminate this picture.  It will be worth money someday.

Right at the beginning it’s obvious they pulled out all the stops for this exhibition.  Wild Bill, the Duke of Buckingham, is back as the MC and introduces everyone and HOLY CRAP THEY GOT JAHANGIR KHAN?!  How is he not on court?  And why does his blazer fit so much better than mine?!  It must have something to do with the host location K2 squash, which I understand was founded by Jahangir’s (Cousin? Co-pilot?  “Mate?”) Kama Kahn.  They have eight courts, two glass courts and five golden rings in three locations across four continents.  It’s a perfect venue for tonight’s match since they are used to hosting visiting heads of state.

In Jahangir’s honor, the NSL invents a tradition of having a celebrity hit out the first ball.  It’s a bit of a confusing concept, because being Jahangir he doesn’t stop hitting.  He warms up the ball to the point of melting it and then looks vaguely disappointed that he doesn’t get to stay on the court longer and play the match, even in loafers.  Maybe it should be the first serve in the future?  Then we could all have a great laugh when someone like the President misses the entire court.

The first matchup sees Hungry Wolf Matthew (Legends) get the call versus Encyclopedia Veer (Young Guns), who immediately asserts dominance by knowing Nick’s shoe size.  As they warm up MC Bill announces a change to the normal rules – the Legends get infinite substitutions and flappy styrofoam pool noodles with which to beat the Young Guns – and it doesn’t faze the crowd at all.  They were expecting something like this and brought their own noodles, hoping to whap Sponsor Lovejoy and herd him into one of the many mousetraps scattered around the facility.

Veer and Nick start things off with a calm thirty-shot rally.  At 2-1, though, all hell breaks loose when the Bragman escapes his restraints and starts calling the broadcast.  He laments that his co-conspirator, the “lovely” Sean Choi, can’t be there to appreciate the Young Guns’ beautiful, precious White jerseys; meanwhile, a fifty-shot rally that ends with a lupine winner in the rear left corner exhausts Matthew.  When his shot count hits 75 the Legends decide to give him a break, since Nick has won entire PSA events in fewer strokes than this.  They send in their most physically imposing player, former World Number One John Whiteshark.

Now contrary to popular belief, most sharks only eat once every 3 days, depending on the restaurants in the area.  “The Great White,” however, has never been one to respect norms, be they squash ball speed limits or signs proclaiming “one plate per trip to the buffet.”  He is fully fueled up and about to show the world exactly what he has been doing as head coach of Drexel the last few years.

The fabric on that shirt is putting in some overtime

Shark caps off his first rally with a thunderous forehand rail, generating applause and the Bragman delicately saying “he has perhaps the greatest weight…of shot in the history of professional squash,” although Whitey has recently “shaved off twenty pounds…by switching to seltzers.”  Veer, knowing he’s in mortal danger, calls it a shift at 7-6 and is replaced by Lovejoy, who immediately generates controversy by getting sucked into the Shark’s gravity well and being awarded a stroke.  From there, Sponsor is able to avoid being stomped and takes a 9-8 lead; however, having picked up a net point on his shift, Shark, who has gone without calories for almost two and a half minutes, tags in Cameron Pilley and takes a well-earned pizza break.

Pilley, incidentally, is the only human being known to have hit a squash ball faster than the Great White; he clocked 175mph in an October 2011 match and it opened a rift that put us into an even worse timeline.  I wouldn’t mention it to him since he still feels kind of guilty.  Trying to take advantage of Pilley’s spider-venom-induced rust, Lovejoy turns the match into a battle of attrition, prompting the Bragman to gush over Sponsor’s rigorous gym habits and “bulging quads.”  We then learn that this is actually a point of contention between the Critical Wolf Nick Matthew and Lovejoy, because Matthew feels Sponsor posts too many thirst trap gym videos instead of thirst trap squash court videos, and his younger rival accuses Matthew of having “dainty quads” and man, I’m sorry.  This timeline really IS awful.  Pilley has a lot to answer for.  I need one of the Shark’s seltzers.

While I’m killing a Mike’s Hard Lemonade the Bragman gets taken off the air, possibly by force, and on-court we have a forty-shot rally so soporific that Tranquilizer Lovejoy’s strings give up the ghost rather than keep playing.  By way of an apology, the two attempt to make up for this by smashing the ball at each other as hard as possible for a hundred seconds; their inevitable exhaustion prompts a double substitution.  Matthew returns as the same time Matîas makes his long-awaited debut.  Finally, we will answer the age-old question of what happens when you confront an angry wolf with Knudes!   

NO WAIT DO NOT GOOGLE THAT I’VE MADE A TERRIBLE MISTAKE

John Shark, though, is about to go off script with a cunning plan.  He knows that, like all of Gen Z, his former Drexel protegé Knudes spends most of his time on social media, and social media favors flashy offense instead of grinding defense.  With the Gunyungers out of substitutes it might be a good plan to attack Spinbender’s fitness!  Pleased with himself, he calls a power play.

The plan proceeds most cunningly.  Thanks to the power play, Matthew goes on a 6-1 run and ties the period, which is huge because, as the returning Bragman tells us, only the Legends can call power plays for the first two periods.  It’s going to be a mano-a-mano end of the period with no hijinks.  Since Mãtías is presumably tired from defending against the Power Wolf, Shark can now come on court himself, prepared to devour all the glory, his student of five years, and a side order of fries.

It turns out, however, that everyone’s favorite Latino Viking anticipated just this sort of thing and developed his own cunning counterplan.  I hope you’re sitting down, because here it is, in all its genius!!

Steps 1-7: Do not hit the ball anywhere NEAR John White.

This is N-dimensional thinking.  See, you don’t want to trade right hands with John the Great.  That might create another Takayama vs. Don Frye scenario and the Earth’s crust hasn’t recovered from the first one yet.  But trading LEGS with a 51-year-old Shark?  That’s a savvy prospect.  Accordingly, the Spinbender hurls his entire garbage disposal of filthy shots into one goal – making John White run for everything.  AND IT WORKS! 

His brilliance countered, down 20-17 and thoroughly cheesed off, Shark leaves the court to get some cheese and sends Pilley on to finish.  Cameron, who isn’t sure what the rules are and can’t hear his corner through his sweatband anyway, spends the entire final minute having an enjoyable rally with Knudes on a Saturday evening.  He’s having a great time; look at how into it the crowd is!   Anything beats playing cards with terror ducks in rural Australia.  The Youngers take the first period and go up 1-0.

At the intermission, Duke Bill interviews Jahangir Khan, who admits that he could be talked into a two minute, maybe one minute shift in the next NSL session. Wait WHAT??  Can we raise some NIL money to make this happen?  Can you imagine the anticipation if he called a power play?  What if we gave him a hardball?!  The Youtube views would hit Four Non Blondes levels.

Speaking of power play specialists, the “warm, hot” Mattìås Knudsen calls out Nick Matthew to begin period 2, getting rewarded with a 49-shot rally and, according to the scoreboard, a -13 to 16 lead.  Incensed, Matthew retaliates with a point that neither man has any desire to end until a stroke does it for them at shot 37, getting Grumpy Wolf the point.  A little bit of hometown cooking may be at play, though – a similar shot a couple of plays later nets Knudes only a let, so after staring down the official he uncorks a nasty trickle boast in retaliation.  Grandpa Shark has seen enough.  He puts down his seltzer, pulls Matthew and comes back in for the rematch with his protegee down 4-3.

Could there be some dissent on the Legends team?  Sadistic Wolf may not have wanted to go – he retaliates against BOTH of them by calling for a power play!  Now two men who really hate running around will have to do so for everyone’s amusement.  After two minutes of burly nonsense White gets airflighted out and Knudsen leaves having surrendered the lead, 5-4.  Maybe Matthew was on to something!  Suddenly the Legends remember that they have a third guy – Cameron whatshisname – and send him in.  

The Yung Gunnes are equally surprised that Pilley still exists and unleash Encyclopedia Chotranica.  What follows is an incredible three-minute span where the Legends send all three players on court twice, John the Great tries to knock the Encyclopedia off the shelf and Veer taunts them the entire time by doing some sort of deranged Cornell fertility dance.

The harvest of squash balls will be good this year.

At 13-9 Legends whatever point everyone was trying to make has apparently been proven because Nick Matthew is ticked off by a let call and Sponsor comes on for the Funyuns’ final shift.  The Bragman explains the stakes to us – not only is this broadcast linked to Sponsor’s many, many dating profiles – but this battle will test if the Wolf still “knows exactly where to put it, to stretch his opponents out…as far as possible.”  

The next few minutes prove, conclusively, that he does.  Matthew outscores Sponsor 7-0 and John the Great, eager to get in on a feeding frenzy, comes jogging on with a 20-9 lead.  As is tradition he gives up 3 quick points and is pulled for Pilley; Shark jogs back off a bit dejected.  He had Lovejoy right where he wanted him!  Cameron and Sponsor split points until the Wolf, unable to contain his quadricep-based rage any longer, enters to finish the period.  A 37-shot rally and several intimidating looks later, the Legends take the period and have tied things up 1 all.  There will be no overtime, much to Sean Choi’s chagrin, whatever secret hooded rally he’s at.   

Everyone takes a break to recuperate for a few minutes, although John White does admit that he is sore and miserable and wants to be subbed out ASAP in a magnificent interview.  The Duke, a consummate professional interviewer who the Bragman tells us is a “sauna buddy” of Mohamed ElShorbagy, wisely wraps it up posthaste.  

Period 3 starts out with Pilley versus Knudsen in the Battle of Lanky Gits, and we learn that Cameron Pilley was a pioneer in squash broadcasting, although it was accidental as he was lonely and trying to see if anyone lived within radio distance.  Pilley takes a 5-3 lead with some great defensive play and then the Wolf comes on, since it’s been almost four minutes since he was last on court.  The Spinbender immediately plunks him in the leg, winning the point until Matthew stares down the referee, who goes ha ha just kidding, and the Legends extend the lead to 3.

“The Wolf is…a little bit amazed at how big of a mistake you’re making.”

The two trade points for another three minutes until John Shark gets an itch to take a third crack at the Scandilumbian.  After a disturbingly long rally, WHITE FINALLY GETS HIS REVENGE!  He gets a point, albeit off a stroke, he gets to run into Knudsen and he finally drives his star pupil from the match.  This is the happiest he’s been since the invention of the triple cheeseburger.  But the excitement is short-lived.  Since John told Wild Bill that he wanted out after two points, Veer Chotrani comes on for the Gangnams and then calls a power play, locking Shark in the match for a hundred and twenty horrifying seconds.  

White’s creative approach to clock management, including almost twenty seconds where he argues a call, delights the crowd but is unable to fully stop the Veerslaught.  Still, he holds the damage to just four points, which is changed to six after the scorekeeper sacrifices a chicken to determine just how much his antics should actually be penalized.  Matthew has the yellow flag out to pull him the second the clock hits zero either way.  Cameron Pilley gladly takes a shift for the Legends, winning the first point and being called “Pillar” by the Bragman, but he doesn’t care.  He’s delighted that the match is still going on and hopes someone will ask for one of those newfangled selfie things with him after this.  Cameron brings it back to a deficit of one before the Slavering Wolf decides he wants to chew all Encyclopedias to shreds. 

Wolf then shocks everyone at home by calling for his “three-point play”, which is apparently a thing now!  If he wins, he gets 3 points.  If he loses, Veer only gets one point and Matthew has to pick up John White’s bar tab.  HIGH STAKES!  Can he win the bet on himself?

NO.

He misses high and is so distraught that he loses the next two points.  To add insult to injury, the Legends pull him for White, who is already planning his seltzer-based bender that evening, and the Self-Loathing Wolf’s body language indicates that this is, easily, the worst thing that has ever happened to him.  I guess that intensity is what it takes to be world number 1 and the best Englishman ever besides maybe Horatio Nelson but I’m honestly a little worried about his frame of mind.

White holds the damage to just two points before Pilley returns down 16-20.  Excited, he calls his first power play.  What if he could do those in real life?  Would it be effective against the spiders?  After a leisurely, enjoyable forty-second rally that Pilley wins, someone gently reminds him that the power play is timed and that throws him off.  He’s on vacation right now and nothing spoils a vacation like pressure.  That, combined with Veer absolutely dominating in the short game on two consecutive points, means the Legends only net two points from their power play and 3-point-play combined.  They are in trouble.

It is time for Wolf versus Mouse.

The most passionate and dangerous of enemies in the wild.

Both men swing with bad intentions, but Matthew’s are a little bit worse since Sponsor stayed at his house once and didn’t change the toilet paper.  At 21-all, the two embark on a dramatic minute-long rally that Lovejoy wins with a nick, and he follows it up with another great winner to drive the now-thoroughly-Enraged Wolf to the stands.  You just know that after a breather he’ll be back in, especially since John White is now lumbering on while the audience throws UFOs around.  Sharkey hits the Tranquilizer with everything he has but still loses a point, so Cameron Pilley comes back on and unfortunately HE loses three points to Sponsor.  Now the Legends have to stop the bleeding after losing seven straight points so they send Tired Wolf back in after a two-minute rest.

Fortunately for them, the rest was just long enough.  The first rally is an exquisite 46-shotter and it sets the tone for Matthew to go 4-1, the Legends’ first winning shift in a while.  John Shark returns for a valiant thirty-second stampede then leaves when his DoorDash order arrives, and then Pilley quickly runs on, well aware that this might be the last time anybody notices him and determined to make the most of it.  They both go 1-2 but, critically, confuse everyone so much with their constant entrances and exits that Lovejoy winds up accidentally leaving as well.  And once he leaves, he can’t re-enter!  This leaves the NSL’s breakout star and social media heartthrob, Ӎatíàs Lothbrok-₭nudsen, to hastily comes on and close.  He duels Pilley for a few points – apparently Pilley was a refugee in Denmark at one point and they trained together, according to the Bragman – before the Great Thane of Bogotá calls the Gunghos 3 point play on Pilley’s serve!  

If he wins, the match is pretty much over, so this bold move draws a line in the sand and, more critically, wastes nineteen seconds while everyone tries to figure out if he can do that.  The Bragman tells us that the NSL will encourage gambling going forward and I can’t help but feel these two things are somehow related.  Anyway, once the point starts Pilley spends a good half a minute just staying alive, remembering his many battles against the giant toxic monitor lizards of his hometown. Sure, time is running out, but when one wrong move is doom you have to choose your moment to strike.  AND CAMERON DOES!  He saves the point and the match for the Legends with a forehand drop that Knudes can’t hit without creating interference.  Exceedingly pleased with the day’s work, Pilley retires for the last time having closed the gap to four, secure in the knowledge that people will remember him as a good-natured Aussie squasher and not, you know, the guy who ripped a hole in spacetime by hitting a squash ball too hard.

“Wheey hey hey!  Pretty wild lighting on these new glass courts, mate!…. Hello?!”

This means it’s time for the Grand Finale™, and everyone in the building knew the Legends were going to send in the Determined Wolf.  Matthew knows he’s down four, there are two and a half minutes left and the match is on the line, but like all champions, he wants the meaty, well-seasoned bone of responsibility in his jaws.  He wastes no time, serving a split-second after Pilley shuts the door, then seemingly changes gears and wastes time on a 43-shot rally that takes an entire minute and ends in a let.  But wait – wolves always exhaust their prey, and maybe that first rally was designed to take the Young One’s legs out!  MATTHEW POUNCES!  He puts two points on the board in thirty seconds and serves so fast that Knudes isn’t done wiping his hand yet. 

Knudes wins the hand-wiping point, though, and takes his time getting HIS serve in, now up three with :26 on the clock.  Desperate Wolf wins the rally with eight seconds left – OR IS IT FIVE?  The official clock says five but Bill Buckingham is starting the ten second countdown aloud and NO ONE knows.  Then MATTHEW WINS, CLOSES THE DEFICIT TO ONE AND TIME EXPIRES ACCORDING TO THE CLOCK BUT NOT ACCORDING TO THE PEOPLE ACTUALLY THERE AND MATTHEW SERVES ANYWAY AND CHAOS ENSUES!  

 You know what will make this even better?  Vegas gets involved with the NSL in five months.

Everyone agrees that they can’t end on controversy, especially Knudes, who knows his pact with the Squash Gods (Sqods?) requires him to a.) eat everything with steak sauce and b.) display Viking honor.  They agree to play an untimed final point and if Matthew wins and ties the match they will fight to the death.  

If you have read this far without a court ordering you to, I suspect you know what happened.  If you don’t, though, you’ll just have to watch this sequence of epic derangement for yourself from start to finish.  I won’t spoil the ending but I will say that there’s a reason the highlights have gotten 15,000 views in two weeks and even the great Kama Khan teared up during his speech thanking the world for watching.  When history is made and everyone comes out of an event looking great you are glad that you got to be a part of it in any small way, and that’s, not surprisingly, where I am.  Go on, watch it and come on back when you’re finished!

There. Welcome back.  Now that you’ve seen unforgettable excellence YET AGAIN from this league, give some thought to what Legends you’d like to see torment the younger generation next!  When you’ve decided, send carrier pigeons to the Specter Center addressed to Slimmy and Sponsor (C.O.D.), and brace yourselves for the next NSL exhibition.  It could be anywhere at any time (thanks to Pilley’s shenanigans) so keep your court shoes and a seltzer nearby, and maybe some body armor.  I promise Nick Matthew is already training his quads for it and if you can’t back up your social media pictures with action you will suffer accordingly.  Besides, you wouldn’t want to miss Jahangir and Palmer in the next one, would you?  WOULD YOU?!

ENJOY THE REST OF THE OFFSEASON AND RESPECT THE GAME!

Jim