NSL RECAP – LAKE ERIE BEACONS AT SOUTH NORWALK SHARKS 2025!
NSL RECAP – LAKE ERIE BEACONS AT SOUTH NORWALK SHARKS 2025!
By Jim Massie, factory clerk
Welcome to sunny South Norwalk, home of M Squash and the most insanely complicated backstory I’ve ever encountered for a town of 31,000 people. The owners pulled out all the stops for their new WNSL team, though, getting drone footage of the city and facility and creating the greatest mascot I’ve ever seen in my life. Jackson Bragman called him “Sharky” and I see no reason not to honor that. It wasn’t just the outfit itself, which was a perfect blend of angry and hilarious with the little stubby limbs. It was the way the person inside it was so timid. Normally mascots act like they’re in the middle of a two-day ketamine bender, but if you told me a shark had evolved the ability to feel shame and suddenly found itself on the middle of a squash court in Connecticut, that’d be the body language I was getting here.
OVERVIEW:
Continuing with the proud WNSL trend of 75% weekly roster turnover, only three of the six players tonight were actually drafted by their teams.
Injured stars Margot Prow (SoNo) and Sabrina Sobhy (Erie) will break a tie if needed. The first one to climb up the front wall wins!
Lake Erie, coached by Will Hopton, rolled in with Ohio native/pro doubles player Audrey Berling and England’s Lucy “The Queen” Beecroft, but they had to pull Keira Marshall out of a pub in Birmingham with a promise of comped drinks. Yet SoNo and Coach Kathleen Cowles arguably had it worse, getting undrafted free agents Yasshmita Jadish Kumar and Madeline Hylland so late in the week that Madeline was wearing someone else’s jersey with the name taped off and hers written on in crayon. I say “arguably” because they still had World Number 11 and all-around prankster Salma “LOL” Hany to fall back on, and she’s like having a nuclear weapon you can chuck onto the court at any time to even the odds.
THE MATCH ITSELF:
Coach Cowles launched Hany early, getting out to a 20-12 lead in Period 1 despite some exquisite individual shots from the Beacons. She then told Norway’s Madeline Hylland to preserve the lead and die on her Viking shield if necessary; it worked and Hylland got an IOU for Valhalla. This prompted Erie coach Will Hopton to make an unprecedented decision and not use his second substitution – I guess he thought a 12-minute shift from Queen Beecroft would give them a better chance to close the gap? Yasshmita Kumar, however, understood the assignment and surprised everyone outside of Malaysia with her scrappy play and timely shotmaking. She held through to the end and took a five point win for SONO.
Period 2 started with Erie sending out Audrey Berling versus Madeline Hylland to make up for lost time. Knowing that she had to have a long shift, though, the Sharks pulled Hylland early and deviously threw out Salma again, forcing Erie to use their power play to stay even. This so annoyed Queen Bee that when she came on she “accidentally” dropped the ball all the way across the court during SoNo’s powerplay, an act of sportswomanship that surely delighted Sean Choi, wherever he his. Despite Lucy’s best efforts, though, the period got out of hand and Kumar finished things off again despite Kiera Marshall hitting “a roller with mustard like Kendrick Lamar.”
Erie needed Period 3 have any hope of winning so they decided to muddy the waters a little. This caused the camera boat to become unmoored and at one point the ball disappeared for a while, probably because Sharky ate it. Still, despite Kiera Marshall having the only positive Erie shift of the night, SoNo kept pulling inexorably ahead to the point where Salma Hany felt comfortable finishing the match in-costume. This obviously prompted Lucy Beecroft to attack her again, but without a big enough boat (or any boat at all) the Queen had to set her galean rival free.
“It’s safe to come on the court now! I caught it!” (whispers) “I WILL put you in the Horniman!”
Now free to pillage and feast in the waters of Norwalk, Hany finished the match in style and downed a pursuit helicopter to celebrate. This prompted a joyous exchange with Sharky, which the Bragman correctly termed as “electric.” Even better, he did not mention Kendrick Lamar.
| SoNo Period 1 | P+ | P- | LEB Period 1 | P+ | P- | |
| Salma Sand Shark Hany | 20 | 12 | Keira Marshall | 7 | 12 | |
| Madeline Hyllerhead Shark | 0 | 5 | Queen Beecroft the First* | 18 | 18 | |
| Yassharkmita Jadisharkumar* | 10 | 8 | ||||
| Total | 30 | 25 | Total | 25 | 30 | |
| Sono Period 2 | P+ | P- | LEB Period 2 | P+ | P- | |
| Madeline Hyllerhead Shark | 10 | 4 | Audrey Berling* | 5 | 10 | |
| Salma Shark Week Hany* | 21 | 10 | Queen Beecroft the Second | 6 | 13 | |
| Yassharkmita Jadisharkumar | 12 | 11 | Kiera Marshall | 14 | 20 | |
| Total | 43 | 25 | Total | 25 | 43 | |
| Sono Period 3 | P+ | P- | LEB Period 3 | P+ | P- | |
| Yassharkmita Jadisharkumar* | 10 | 9 | Queen Beecroft the Third* | 10 | 11 | |
| Salma Sharknado Hany | 14 | 13 | Audrey Berling* | 12 | 16 | |
| Madeline Hyllerhead Shark | 18 | 18 | Kiera Marshall | 16 | 15 | |
| Salma Jaws Hany* | 13 | 8 | Queen Beecroft the Fourth | 10 | 13 | |
| Total | 55 | 48 | Total | 48 | 55 |
MEGARALLIES:
Hylland-Beecroft 2: Hastings Revisited
Kumar-Beecroft 1: Put the Interview in the Small Window
Hany-Marshall 3: Fire Marshall
Kumar-Marshall 2: Anything You Can Do…
Kumar-Beecroft 1: Starting Off Right!
Hany-Beecroft 3: SMILE YOU SON OF A…
MASSIE’S MEGARALLIES:
Hylland-Berling 1: Audrey Berling had to hold her own versus Madeline Hylland if Erie was going to have any chance in Period 2. It took 21 shots and she had to run all over the court, but dammit, she won this point.
Kumar-Beecroft 2: Erie was counting on Yasshmita Jadish Kumar folding under pressure, but Kumar had other ideas. 23 shots and 41 spots in the PSA rankings meant nothing to her. She left her shift with the lead and this rally was the key to it.
Hylland-Marshall 2: Had Keira Marshall lost this rally it would have been pretty much curtains for the Beacons. Not only did she keep Erie in the match, though, she ended the rally with a spectacular tweener shot to the nick.
SHE’S A BEACON OF (INSERT POSITIVE NOUN HERE MADLIBS STYLE)!
MASSIE’S WOMAN OF THE MATCH:
Never go in water deeper than your pool.
There’s no way this could be anybody else. Salma Shark Tale Hany was a ridiculous +25 for the evening, had winning shifts against everyone on the Beacons, played the entire end of the third period wearing a giant decorative fin and provoked Queen Lucy into committing what was probably assault. That’s a successful night by ANY definition, and it more than fits the criteria to make her my Woman of the Match.
FINAL THOUGHTS:
The contrast – between this heartfelt tribute to the fans/empowering moment for women and Sharky just standing there mutely staring into space while Salma Hany wears that fin – was absolutely sending me. I just kept laughing harder and harder as the conversation went on and it became clear that the mascot wasn’t going to anything, ever, except exist, and even then just barely. Whoever’s in there is a master of physical comedy. I hope Erie ups their game and constructs a working lighthouse around someone for the rematch; that’s the only way they’ll be able to match Sharky’s level of inaction.
~ squash love!
Jim
