MASSIE’S MISSIVES, NSL Column #1!!!

MASSIE’S MISSIVES
By Jim Massie, factory clerk

Nashville Crushers at Derby City Colts 2023

It’s the final match in the South Division. After the Atlanta Tornados beat Derby City and
Nashville beat Atlanta, the law of Rock-Paper-Scissors requires Derby City to win tonight or the universe will be out of balance. Seemingly unaware of this desperate situation, the jovial
announcers, a pair of drive-time jocks called Sean and The Bragman check in from their
bedrooms to a.) set the stage in the greater world of squash, b.) introduce the teams and c.)
either type on their keyboards or fire machine guns, whichever is louder. Nashville is coming in helmet-first, represented by coach Dylan Cnngnnghnmggmn (Welsh, I assume), King Juan
Vargas VII of Colombia, Simon Herbert (whose father, Herbert Simon, won the Nobel Prize),
and Slimmy Brownell, who is performing under his stage name “Ron Mexico.”

*If you see Slimmy out at the club, give him a hi-five but wash your hands afterwards.*

Incidentally, I’m a bit concerned by Simon Herbert being nicknamed Mr. Punctuality. Not for his sake – that’s a perfectly laudable white-collar trait – but has Gen Z truly fallen so far that willingness to show up on time is what you lead with on your resume? YES. Because when Derby City gets introduced, in a shocking turn of events, it’s revealed that team ace and second
overall NSL pick Victor Crouin has been thrown in the Bastille for buttering a croissant and will not be allowed to leave France without performing a musical number. Obviously, they’ve got a strike planned in Paris to address this travesty of justice, but to ensure Derby City has the needed number of players in the short-term management brilliantly traded
Slimmy’s alter ego Ron Mexico to the Colts at 3:36 AM. That gave them enough time not only to get Ron a limited-edition Colts jersey (his Nashville ones will soon be on Ebay, pending a
copyright strike), but also manifest him in our reality using the basic design plan of the giraffe.

*Ron (far left) will soon be terrorizing Louisville’s trees when they grow out of line.*

Joining him to try and save Derby City’s season are Coach Lee ”The Yorkshire Pudding” Scott,
Joseph “Kangaroo King” White, so named because of his tendency to balance on his tail while
attacking, and much-hyped newcomer and Cornell escapee Veer “The Encyclopedia” Chotrani. Sean and The Bragman inform us that Veer got his nickname because, as a child, his fascination with squash led him to memorize all the Tour players’ wins, losses, vital statistics, suit measurements and Social Security numbers.

*They don’t tell us what Joseph is consistent AT, mind you. We can only hope it isn’t normal Kangaroo stuff.*

After a brief twenty-minute pause in the action while MC/referee/jaded-veteran-cop-who-is-too-old-for-this-crap Ryan Leslie reviews the teams and rules (alternating between nonexistent and incredible volumes to assert dominance), the coaches decide to renew an old colonial rivalry by kicking off with Herbert (of English extraction) versus White (of Australian). The two are so smooth, so hypnotic, that the audience doesn’t even notice when a premeditated time warp hits and they are able to steal everyone’s car keys before returning seamlessly to the court. During a subsequent brisk 59-shot rally, Sean and The Bragman make a good-natured bet about the night’s outcome. If Nashville wins, Sean has to sell squash equipment door-to-door for a week. If Derby City wins, The Bragman has a month to eat his own weight in nachos.
At 8-6 (and what the clock tells us is 11 minutes, but we know better), Derby City decides to test their brand new squash giraffe and sends out The Ron, wearing Victor Crouin’s old shorts. Nashville counters with King Vargas, who, despite being only thirty years old, has led a stern but fair regime in Colombia that has seen both foreign investment and hippopotamuses triple.

*This camera angle is deceptive and makes Ron look five times larger than Vargas, instead of the actual three.*

The King shows tremendous versatility in his NSL debut, though, flipping a 6-8 deficit into a 13-10 advantage before Ryan Leslie loses the bleeps, the sweeps and the creeps. Impressed, Vargas invites Ron to play doubles with him back in Colombia and the two leave the court to plan a coup in a neighboring country. This allows the coaches to set the final showdown of Slimmy “Tim” Brownell and the much-anticipated Veer Chotrani, or, as Ryan Leslie announces them, “FLXARRCCCHH FKCKLAAAGG VAAA VVIXXXVVLXCHAA VLFLCAACHAA!” One of the Sean/Bragman team tries to transcribe that on their laptops and accidentally summons Satan, who explains that Derby City is using their power play before leaving to rig the NBA playoffs.

*That one dude looking at his phone is missing a hell of a match. Day trading is a cruel mistress.*

Veer’s debut starts promisingly; he ties the period at 13 while Brownell can’t score and brings joy to the masses. But Coach Cngningmgmmnng has a final trick up his sleeve – a power play of his own. With under four minutes to go, all Brownell has to do is get a mild lead and then stall out for ninety seconds. Controversy erupts, however, when Veer stops to tie his shoelace and activates the level 1-3 warp, adding two minutes back to the clock. This is part of what makes the NSL so exciting! Nevertheless, he is still down 13-18 when the power play expires, and to add insult to injury Sean and The Bragman point out that Brownell’s next serve was definitely out since it hit Bragman in Ohio. By the time Chotrani stabilizes it is too late – the last gasp comeback falls short when Timbo slices a high serve right into the nick. By taking the first period, Nashville becomes the inaugural south division champion – OR HAVE THEY?

*Look closely – Derby City has already changed their name to the Newport Dragons in order to remain eligible for the championship!! I can’t stress enough how much the NSL rules.*

After three minutes of intense character select screen music that drowns out Ryan Leslie, the announcing team and a mid-tier volcanic explosion, the second period starts off with Vargas/Ron 2: The Colombianing. Growing more powerful the longer he is on Earth, Ron takes the lead while the commentators transcribe Moby Dick on their laptops at max volume. Accordingly, they miss the game clock jumping around like it’s being affected by the Time Stone, breaking back into things for The Bragman to deliver an urgent message that Referee Leslie is “audibly excited” and make everyone uncomfortable. Coach Pudding breaks the awkwardness by pulling the plug on King Vargas at 10-4 and sending in Simon Herbert just in time. The two of them trade points before Ron graciously exits at 13-8 to resume his browsing.
Coach Cnngiggnnnggmmmhgmmgmm immediately calls a power play to get Nashville back into it, and he is proven prescient when Derby City’s Veer plays like he just left the bar at closing time. This irks Sean, who HATES leaving his bedroom to sell things, and Veer gives up five points before checking the “P” manila folder in his mind palace filing cabinet and realizing that he should have been stalling this whole time. What follows is a brisk 46-shot rally that has The Bragman raving about Veer’s feathery hands and silky smooth baby’s bottom – as if we needed more of a reminder that the NSL does not test for drugs – and which Herbert wins anyway. Veer’s lethargy finally gets so severe that Ryan Leslie either rightfully claims he doesn’t hustle enough to earn a let or goes mad with power and declares himself dictator-for-life, depending on your point of view. This shocks the crowd, annoys Sean, who has enough hate for multiple targets, and galvanizes both coaches.

*If looks could kill, Ryan (far left, calling for suppressing fire) would be leaving here in a helicopter basket*

Louisville puts in Joe White, pulling Veer and sending him to have a frank discussion with some electrodes, and for their part Nashville pulls Simon and puts Slimmy Brownell back in. If anyone can close with this new lead, it’s the league founder, motivational speaker and American number one. Coach Pudding decides it’s now or never and he needs to win a period at some point this season so he calls his power play. The announcers are dubious; a good power play, we are told, nets maybe four points. BUT! THEY! DIDN’T! CONSULT! JOSEPH! WHITE!! See, late one night after shoving a piccolo up his nose to impress a girl, Joe had a revelation. In an NSL power play there’s no penalty for losing, so if you play five points and win four, great. You get four points and the opponent gets zero. But if you play eighteen points and lose ten, you get eight points and the opponent STILL gets zero! Volume is your friend. So Joe immediately goes kangarooshit and starts trying to hit kill shots from everywhere as hard as he can, no matter how irrational or ill-advised. Leisure center boasts? Why not? Hitting volleys to the nick while standing in the nick? Hilarious! Atomic corkscrew? Sure, we’ll invent that!! Not only does Joe rack up seven points during the power play, but a brief 57-shot rally afterwards gives The Bragman time to claim both teams “have the runs” and “the world number 85…is getting on top of the world number 37 here.” God only knows what other windows he has open on his laptop. After White’s incredible blitz Slimmy splits points with him, but he’s unable to take productive risks. The period ends with us tied 1-1 and the Colts having momentum for the first time this season!

*During the break, Louisville fans rush to get their burgoo before the concession stand runs out of possum.*

After a break with the epic music stirringly and deafeningly rampaging in the background, it’s
time to play for all the double-yellow dot balls. Derby City sends out Encyclopedia Chotranica
after highlighting the page on “adrenaline” and Nashville sends out King Vargas after his
generals reassure him that Venezuela’s invasion has stalled. And just to show that we can’t
take anything for granted in this world of sin, two minutes and 25 seconds inexplicably
evaporate off the clock as play starts. In fact, chunks of time will disturbingly return and
disappear without warning throughout this final period, so while I consult various oracles and try to make sense of it, as a precaution if you owe anyone money or aren’t square with the Almighty for whatever reason now would be a good time to hug your dog. Anyway, a back-and-forth battle that sees Louisville burn their one-minute power play and Ryan Leslie make several calls that give Sean and The Bragman kidney stones ends in a 9-9 tie. Both teams
swap players, and Simon Herbert Herbert Simon will now try to recreate his magic for Nashville versus the giRonffe. Unfortunately for Nashville, Derby City’s hive mind has shared the technique of mindless aggression during power plays and Captain Pudding calls his one-
minuter. Ron, growing more comfortable with his massive three-dimensional frame, pushes the pace, alternating drops (and blocking Simon from getting to drops) to rip open a five-point lead, which subsequently extends to seven when a frustrated Herbert tins a couple drops of his own. Sean congratulates himself for correctly calling the impending upset and The Bragman glumly starts googling where to buy a hundred and thirty-five pounds of
nachos. He does admit that he is “a little excited” by Ron’s “outstanding hands” and “great body language, bouncing around…with that look in his eye…” but I suspect that won’t console him when he is bathing in pimentos. At 25-18 Derby City, Nashville Coach
Cnnhnngnn has to risk causing a singularity by putting Slimmy on court with his own alias-come-to-life. He’s out of players and needs a spark. Yet Ron, having sprung from Slimmy’s consciousness, knows all his depraved secrets and actually outscores the American 5-1 before the instruments on hand show reality is starting to tear. Ron leaves to a standing ovation and several discreetly offered phone numbers, a gesture only slightly lessened by the later discovery that they are spam. This leaves Brownell to try and claw back into the match against power-play innovator Joseph White. Yet Coach Pudding suspected that Timmy would be honor-bound to play a more traditional powerplay, since he invented the damn concept, and so the Colts have White go into full stall mode. He glides around, saving everything, taking minimal risks and causing The Bragman to gush something garbled about “getting that low at his height” before Sean finally calls a predator hotline on him.

*Ron’s shorts are starting to enter women’s volleyball territory.*

*The Bragman does not share nachos. Get your own.
(Image courtesy of Reddit user JeffersonianSwag)*

When the two minutes have expired the Crushers only have three points to show for it and the Colts seem in the clear. BUT THIS IS WHEN SLIM TIM SPRINGS HIS INGENIOUSLY PREPARED TRAP! See, not many people know Timmy went to Harvard because he surgically removed the horns coming out of his head, but when push comes to shove he can invent devious plots with the best of them. It turns out that he KNEW that White knew that Coach Pudding knew that Timmy would try to run a traditional power play, and so he was EXTRA extra soft during the play, hitting shots with the express INTENT of luring the Kangaroo into going the extra mile to get there because everyone knows Australians cannot resist making superhuman efforts in front of people who might desire them sexually and then acting like it is no big deal. As a result, rather than pick up max points DURING the power play, Timmy now starts getting points against the spent marsupial in bunches.

*The NSL, baby. We’ve got plenty more where that came from.*

The eleven point Colts lead soon drops to three, and despite some dubious intervention from the Dark Lord Ryan Leslie that’s where we are when both players are subbed out with six and a half minutes left. For the last pairing of the game, Nashville decides to send Sherbert back out, and Derby City counters with Veer Chotrani, on the theory that if you need someone to bleed the clock out with a small lead Indian Fabius Maximus is a terrific choice. True to form, Veer slows the game down to a crawl and it actually works for him as Simon has to press and makes a couple of quick errors. Coach Yorkshire Terrier then senses the moment is right, or at least not wrong, and calls his final power play, allowing Veer to play his game of nonchotrant dickish knuckleballs punctuated with impossible drops. He somehow goes like four for eleven during the power play and annoys Sean more than anyone thought possible but emerges from it with fresh legs and a ten point lead.

*Fun fact: This is actually a gif. Veer is just holding his swing.*

It’s panic time now in Crusherville. The home crowd is roaring, Hermon is tired and a human
sandbag is chewing up clock like balsa in a lumber mill. But Sherbet is going to go out on his
shield! He changes tactics when he wins serve and starts getting the ball in as quickly as
possible, gambling that Veer is already mentally looking up The Bragman’s rude words in the
encyclopedia and won’t be ready for serves coming at him before the last point technically ends. He gets a bonus assist in this from Darth Leslie, who is disgusted by Veer’s torpor and
drunkenly wants to make this interesting with strange rulings. Suddenly the lead is down to five! Then four! Sean has an aneurysm! It’s down to three! Veer finally gets a let but the ball comes right back! Then Veer earns a stroke call! He’s up by four! Forty-five seconds left! HERBERT HITS A FOREHAND DROP NICK! THREE POINT LEAD! CAN VEER HOLD ON!!?

*Spoiler alert: Yes.*

The crowd goes wild. Veer gets a sitting ovation and Derby City saves their dignity in what is,
statistically, a significant upset, but in reality a triumph of cosmic yin and yang balancing out.
The law of Rock-Paper-Scissors held true, with Nashville getting the nod for the playoffs by a
single point over Derby City and Atlanta. So the Crushers get a valuable lesson in humility
before going to Philly for the finals, Atlanta gets the opportunity to spell their team name
correctly and Derby City gets some excitement as the fans try to figure out which of the seven
players on their roster will be back next season or, in Ron’s case, even exist. Sean and The
Bragman turn things over for the post-match interviews, although not before The Bragman
confirms that Joe White “left a positive taste in our mouths,” and the NSL goes silent.
At least for another twenty-four hours, when the North division will remind us that it is a thing.
See you then!