MASSIE IS BACK- “Thoughts from a Factory Clerk.” New York vs. Chicago
MASSIE’S MUSINGS
Thoughts from a factory clerk
BY JIM MASSIE
New York at Chicago, 2023
It’s been 24 hours since the NSL’s last match and little has changed. We are now at the University Club of Chicago, which is so prestigious and polite that everyone speaks in hushed tones while carrying gin. And not casual stuff like Seagrams; we’re talking Monkey 47 at MINIMUM.
Chicago calls themselves the Grizzlies, which was truly inspired on the part of ownership in that there’s already 37 million pieces of apparel floating around northern Illinois with the word Chicago featured next to an ursine critter. I’ve never understood why teams in the same area don’t at least coordinate colors; in today’s economy people are going to wear the same shirt for days or even weeks on end, so why not let them be a billboard for your product? It’s a mystery why I don’t have more money and a major design label. For example, New York, who are the Knights, have a yellow, gray and black knight helmet logo but their jerseys are inexplicably white. What? Golden yellow is the coolest possible jersey color! Not to mention there’s a ton of gold, knight-themed stuff you could pick up during a weekend bender in Vegas. But white knights? NOT GREAT OPTICS IN 2024. Get with the times, New York!
In another example of progressive thinking, Chicago (right) is coached by a child. They had to find someone even tinier than New York’s owner/coach/fan Elizabeth Hill (middle, dress). Either way we are breaking new ground!
Speaking of progressive, Sean and the Bragman are back calling this match, but the Bragman just had a meeting with HR where he was told in no uncertain terms that if he made suggestive innuendo about anybody, he would have to make suggestive innuendo about EVERYBODY. This was a sobering threat since Daniel Mekbib is going to be playing tonight, and if you factor in that he’s a burly guy, with the beard of a bear and the chest hair of a bear, wearing a bear shirt, performing in close proximity to the Harris Theater, there is no way that the Bragman makes it through this. Just no way.
Is it “MEHK-bib” or “mac-BEEB”? Because we could have a lot of fun pretending he’s Scottish.
So knowing that he is doomed, the Bragman simply starts announcing and, unable or unwilling to control himself, within a minute claims that a young man taking up most of the screen is “giving us a facial.” He tries to walk it back by going out on the standard “bloviating announcer” limb and claiming “this is…what promises to be potentially be one of the most exciting matchups of the season” but he’s not fooling anyone. Alea jacta est.
The New York Knights come out to a thunderous chorus of boos. At least we assume they are the New York Knights. Ringmaster Bill Buckingham is mumble-rapping his way through the intro using a microphone set to “thick pillow” and this could just be a recipe for linguine carbonara. In addition to owner/coach/fan/manager Elizabeth Hill, they have “Slammin’” Sammy Scherl, who sells seashells by the seashore, Sêbastian “Éclair Dangereux” Bonmalais and Matias “Send Knudes” Knudsen, who is making his NSL debut tonight after his longship got blown off course from Copenhagen to Espoo and he wound up in Columbia.
Not to be outdone, Chicago brings out Martin “Hulkbuster” Broekman, the aforementioned Daniel “Neckbeard” Mekbib, “Big” Ben Smith (not to be confused with his rival, “Big” Ben Jones), and then, just to mess with everyone, the defending US Skiing Champion Andrew “Dougie Fresh” Douglas. Oh, and they also have a coach, and it’s not the adorable little kid, who it turns out is actually the team owner. It’s the adorable Yoni Ellous, who, having made a fortune in casino operations, is really looking forward to a time when lunatics can gamble on the NSL. He’s already figuring out how to rig things by bringing four players to a three-player match.
Suddenly during the group picture, all hell breaks loose. In response to Chicago bringing four players, New York whips out another Mathias Knudsen, and this one has clearly prepared for Chicago’s collection of giants with a special ass-kicking boot welded to her leg. The warning is clear; whatever the under is on points tonight, take it.
Yoni gets the message and sends out Andrew Douglas. If it’s going to be scrappy, he wants the guy who is used to impaling things with ski poles. Overlady Hill sends out Alpha Knudsen, the one with the beard, who, incidentally, has on his resume that he is a “Spin Bender.” I’m not sure what that means despite living in a world that has airbenders, but the Bragman assures us that it gives him access to something called ”prick shots” and tells you to follow him on Instagram “if you wanna see him do some unbelievable things with the racquet.” I’d make an Instagram account to find out what he’s talking about but with healthcare costs what they are today I don’t want to get a virus.
Both players and the boisterous crowd test Referee Buckingham early, but he rises to the occasion and the first three points all go to stern but fair decisions. Sean and the Bragman agree that New York is likely to win due to the presence of all the Knudsens, so unfortunately we won’t have a bet between them; despite their pessimism, the Grizzles’ Andrew Douglas hangs in there against an unusual amount of bendiness coming his way. At 6-9 (of course), though, disaster strikes and a follow-through intended for Dougie’s groin accidentally hits his eye.
If you remember Kano from Mortal Kombat, you know we haven’t seen the last of Andrew.
Fortunately the NSL has solved the time jump issues that plagued them in Louisville and actually stop the clock for the injury timeout; while Dougie gets his sweet new metal faceplate installed Chicago sends in “Big Ben”, who is wearing a cup just in case Matthias gets his aim right. Sean, determined to take some pressure off the Bragman innuendo-wise, volunteers that Ben is “aesthetically pleasing” and “no joke…around 69,” which isn’t bad for a first effort, and as cries of “For Andrew!” ring out through the University Club the Bragman ponders why there are so many “tall drinks of water” coming out of England. Grand Vizier Hall wonders the same thing and calls a power play for New York.
The play starts off all right for the Knights, at least once the production team figures out they’re the ones that called it, but when Ben Smith wins a point he displays what has separated the English from the barbarians for 1500 years – a leisurely, delightful evening tea. In no hurry to serve the ball back, he offers Knudsen his choice of sugar and biscuits and passive-aggressively asks if he’s seen the latest edition of the London Evening Post, knowing full well that it isn’t available in Bogotá until the next day. Stunned, Matthias tins his next bend and this allows Smith to put on a phonograph with the collected speeches of Churchill, wasting yet more time and delighting the crowd. When New York finally gets the ball back there are only two seconds left on the power play and Knudes basically executes a running serve to great laughter. Even though it was an ace, since Smith was changing into his smoking jacket while the ball was in the air the Duke of Buckingham rules the receiver wasn’t ready. With no hope of overcoming the old-boy aristocracy, Queen Elizabeth end-runs the English with their one weakness – Un Grande Fromage.
Sëbastien Bonmalais enters the chat with a 12-7 lead and a philosopher’s disdain for all things English. He didn’t leave his lover’s threadbare studio apartment above a revolutionary café in Marseille to NOT play squash with maximum pretentiousness, and it shows.
Rattled, Coach Ellous now calls his power play, a baller move that not only takes away New York’s scoring opportunities but takes the match out of the time stream entirely. The clock stays cheerfully at 5:08 for most of the play and Big Ben is able to claw his way back into the match for Chicago (no pun intended because puns are of Beelzebub). When the powdered sugar settles the score is 19-15 with roughly four minutes left (give or take an hour), and Chicago deploys the weapon they’ve been saving this whole time – the hard-drinkin’, hard-fightin’ scion of Clan MacBeeb, Viscount Daniel. Disgusted at how gauche everything is, Bonmalais leaves without even being officially subbed out. Fortunately, New York had yet ANOTHER ace in the hole, “Slammin’” Sammy Scherl, who went 257-0 in college while anchoring the Harvard teams that the Bragman solemnly informs us “were great in the early 2020s,” like it was the ancient past or something and not six months ago. This is why everyone hates you, Gen Z. That and whatever a Jo Jo Siwa is.
Everyone hates New York as well, even New Yorkers, but it doesn’t stop Sam from “more than holding his own” against Highlander Daniel, who is seeing double after consuming an entire case of Loch Lomond on the plane. The Knights aren’t seriously pressured and take period one 27-20. In some good news for the Chicago Not-Bears, though, Andrew Douglas has gotten his orbital bone reinforced with Technifiber and pledges to return for period 2. The camera cuts away from some magnificent crotch shots to vomit color with US Squash graphics and before we know it we are back on court.
With their season on the brink, Chicago sends out a newly-begoggled Dougie Fresh to seek revenge on Matthias, and Sean and the Bragman unite to pick a fight with me about New York’s jerseys. While the Bragman at least has an excuse that he tore his retina as a child, Sean gives the game away when he claims that “the all-clean, all-White look would have been nice.” Lord, how far we haven’t come.
There, Sean. Is that white enough for you? You want a pointy hood? Actually, dammit, he’s right. Those aren’t bad…
Dougie gets his revenge after just seven points when a 35-shot rally takes the wind out of the Scandilumbian and Matthias taps out. So New York sends in Sèbastiañ down 2-5, and while he and Andrew discuss how pointless it is that the ball just comes back to you, and that’s a metaphor for life, the Bragman reminds us that Monsieur Bonmot has a black and white vlog that consists entirely of him shuffling Pokémon cards in front of a railway worker’s strike. High art. Dougie wisely gets the hell out to save his sanity after a single point and Grizzlies coach Yoni Mitchell sends in “Big Ben” Smith again, determined to correct the Hundred Years’ War if it’s the last thing he does. A blink-and-you’ll-miss-it 39 shot rally suddenly makes it seem like that’s possible, and Chicago has an 8-3 lead when Elizabeth D’Arc decides to stop the English Renaissance with a New York power play; forgetting, of course, what happened the last time she tried to pull a power play against the giant sponge.
It’s never a good sign when the opposing team’s fans are cheering your decision to call a power play.
Ben, predictably, kills the play again with infuriating lobs and gives up only three points. Everything keeps coming up Chicago; not only do they escape the power play with the lead intact, but as Daniel Mekbib comes back in the Bragman announces that “big things” are on the horizon for the NSL generally and Coach Yoni specifically, namedropping DraftKings, FanDuel and OnlyFans. We’ll learn more on Draft Night, whenever that is. Fed up, Sêbästîãn headbutts a wall and Slammin’ Sammy tags in. The deficit for the Knights is still at 3, and the Grizzzzz still have a power play. Chicago could win their first period of the season!
Coach Yoni knows it too and calls for said power play. They are six minutes away from history. Beardman keeps his foot on the gas, never letting Slammy get comfortable, and while Sean ponders a.) what he’ll be allowed to gamble on when the time comes and b.) the difference in beers preferred by regional crowds, the Bragman compliments Scherl for how well he is “squeezing these balls.” Great announcer pairings have to complement each other like that. When the power play ends, Chicago has maintained their three point lead and Slammin’, true to his name, goes for broke. It backfires tragically, the Tunk of Shame reverberates through the University Club, and Chicago, thanks to Clan MacBeeb, for the first time ever has a point in the National Squash League!
After the US Squash graphics return and mock the color-blind for a while, to regain control in the ensuing pandemonium the Duke of Buckingham interviews Alpha Knudsen with the sodden microphone and everyone has to lean in really close to hear. The man is a pro at crowd management.
Period 3 gets underway with Śæbâštíèn vs. Ben III: Chunnel Boogaloo. While the two sort out once and for all whether England or France has fallen farther in the last century, Sean stunningly defects from the New York White (Jersey) train, suddenly feeling that momentum is on the Grizzlies’ side. This opens him up to harsh criticism from the Bragman and prompts the latest existential crisis for Bonmalais.
Fueled by the power of his introspection, L’Éclair Dangereux surges to a four-point lead before Coach Yoni takes “Big Ben” out for a rest and sends Dougie and his remaining eye back in.
While Andrew and Monsieur Bonmot engage in a leisurely 51 shots over two points, to pass the time the Bragman informs us that there is a picture out there of Slammin’ Sam Scherl as a junior swallowing his own fist in “a massive celebration” and it’s not hard to find on the internet. For the last time, Bragman, I’m not searching for anything you recommend. I would be LUCKY if someone wanted to steal my identity after that.
When a 44-shot rally ends in the most French way possible (a disputed let), Elizabèth la Patronne decides she has to shake things up. She calls for Knudes up 9-6 and gets them; Alpha Knudsen takes the court and is immediately displeased by a “no-let” call when he pulls up (ostensibly out of fear for Dougie’s other eye), and Omega Knudsen gleefully throws Dougie a towel when he inexplicably starts bleeding anyway and has to take a three-minute medical timeout. While paramedics and assorted religious leaders try to sort out why this is happening, Sean and the Bragman propose their own theory. Since he is a New York native and the Knights passed on him to draft Sam Bowie, it’s possible that he just blew a vein from sheer rage. He’s had this match circled on his underwear for weeks and is perfectly willing to sacrifice as many eyes as it takes for revenge. The NSL means drama, baby!!
Once play resumes, knowing this, both Andrew and Matthias come to a wordless arrangement where they ignore subtlety and just trade right hands, and it is awesome. They play as fast as possible through each other’s power plays and break even over the next five minutes, apart from one weird moment where Dougie gets a point taken away from him for losing too much blood. The lead is still at three for New York when Knudes exits and Slammer Scherl enters, but Andrew Douglas stays in so he can show us, in the suspicious words of the Bragman, “some American-on-American action.”
Stay alert. We’ve been warned what Sam can do with that fist.
Apparently these two have been playing each other since birth and know each other(‘s styles) intimately. As such, the rallies settle into a staring contest during a prolonged trade of deep backhand pounding, just as the Bragman foretold. Dougie eventually needs a breather and one of Bonmalais’ cigarettes, but he leaves having cut the New York lead to two.
Coach Ellous now calls on Clan MacBeeb one final time for Chicago and gives him the added momentum of the power play. For the third time, Daniel and Scherl square off, with round 1 going to the Slamma Jamma and round 2 going to Highlander Bear. This one is…kind of a draw, though? Beardman hits twelve shots into the tin while being overly aggressive, but still picks up two points and drives Scherl from the match, so I suppose they can consider each other worthy foes indeed. Tied at 16, with 8:45 to go (the clock seems accurate, for once), New York sends Matthias in for their last sub and the final sprint to the finish begins. Chicago has no more power plays and New York has no more players! Which will prove the better choice?!
This is where Supreme Overmind Elizabeth lays her final trap. She realized that if you have two hyper-aggressive showmen on the court, the one with the powerplay has an advantage. So she immediately calls the powerplay, preventing the Grizzlies from subbing out Viscount MacBeeb, and her Fidget Spinner Bender goes to town. Daniel finds himself in the awkward position of trying to extend rallies and stall, which isn’t his game, and Matthias racks up an unprecedented six points on the power play. Then to compound the problem, Ben Smith is Chicago’s choice to come back in since the Beardman is exhausted and Dougie is legally blind, but Smith (society gentleman that he is) isn’t built to put up points in bunches. He’s a defender. Had the roles been reversed, Big Ben been on the court for the power play and then Beardo been out there for a final point-grabbing sprint, this might have been a very different result. BUT IT WASN’T! And this time it was Chicago fans were left shaking their fists while muttering, “THEY ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE.” As the clock expires, New York wins the match 3-1.
I can’t tell you whether history will record Alpha Knudes’ incredible 17-6, nine-minute performance against two opponents tonight as the arrival of an all-time great or the peak moment ever attained by a meme lord. That depends both on both his future career and what side of the bed I wake up on, because I’m writing said history (HA HA!). I will say, though, that as far as I’m concerned, this was something he should tell his little baby Scandilumbians about someday. Not only did he put his team in the pole position for a championship run, not only did he key the only road win so far this season, but he made Elizabeth Hill officially the shortest owner to ever win an NSL match. And they didn’t even need to uncork Other Matthias!
Chicago was very gracious in defeat. I had to turn subtitles on to understand the post-match interviews, but Hulkbuster reminded everyone that he existed, Beard MekBeard wanted to keep playing like the legend he is, Ben Smith thanked the crowd and invited them all to his country estate for a pheasant hunt, and I’m pretty sure Andrew Douglas retired from being pro to go back to college. Class all around! So Chicago’s season ends, their owner will explore next steps after graduating from kindergarten, and New York prepares to host Newport on June 8th for the right to go to the finals against Nashville and their precious stormtrooper-white jerseys. (We know who Sean is rooting for). Tune in for the live Youtube broadcast at 6PM Eastern to harass everyone involved in the chat; I’ll see you there and call out anyone who is sufficiently witty and/or obnoxious!
Thanks for watching, reading and/or being horrified, and RESPECT THE GAME
jim
