MASSIE’S MISSIVES #2: Newport vs. New York
MASSIE’S MISSIVES
By Jim Massie, factory clerk
Newport Dragons at New York Knights, June 8th, 2024
The NSL tonight comes to us from the state-of-the-art Open Squash Financial District facility in Manhattan. It is designed to make squash affordable and convenient for all New Yorkers and has eight courts, four locker rooms, a rooftop restaurant with bar that is booked three years out, an indoor waterpark, and helipads for members, although car parking will cost you $5 per minute. Bill, the Duke of Buckhingam, is back to emcee the event with his Fisher-Price microphone and as he explains the rules the ghosts of the various workers who died building the facility appear reflected in the glass panels.
Only in New York do they have both the money and the good taste to put a glass court in a haunted skyscraper.
The Duke encourages everyone to get rowdy, which is a reasonable thing to ask for in Manhattan as opposed to, say, the Bronx. Speaking of crime, we will not be joined by Sean and the Bragman tonight. They know what they did. And while they tried to outsmart the court system by each using their one phone call to announce this match, when lawyers reminded them that it would be a.) recorded and b.) broadcast to the entire world they realized there wasn’t any way it didn’t end with them in more trouble and instead called 1-900 numbers.
The Newport Dragons come on court to universal apathy, fielding a team of three. Interestingly, it is only AFTER they pose for several sultry pictures, including some with New York, that the Duke introduces them. This ability to raise hype levels is why he gets paid the big bucks! For their second match of the season the Dragons roll out league co-founder and cheese enthusiast Sponsor “The Tranquilizer” Lovejoy (brought to you by Dunlop), who is wearing his traditional bandanna (brought to you by Vietnam) and who “is well-known for scurrying around the court” according to his unsettling bio. They also have Ramit “The Kaleidoscope” Tandon, so named because if you put the letters in his name into a kaleidoscope and then break it over someone’s head you get all kinds of cool anagrams. Missing in action this time is Sanjay “The Shadow” Jeeva, who was recently killed by pirates. He will be replaced by TJ “The Hammer” Dembinski, and Hammertime gets an unusual amount of applause because the audience recognizes him as the inspiration for the annoying “man in finance” meme song. Newport’s owner, the legendary Alabama squash coach Jim “Bear” Dyke, will be calling the shots this evening; if the players fail him they will have to spend the summer on the outdoor courts by his backup winery in Junction.
He even installed magnifying glasses in the ceiling so the players get fried like ants. (Source: Flickr)
New York has the whole gang from their victory over Chicago, including Slammin’ Sam Scherl and Matías “The Last Spinbender” Knudsen. Owner/mastermind Elizabeth Hill even lured Sébastian Bonmalais back from Marseille with the promise that he could graffiti a Charizard on the Museum of Modern Art, and hedged her bets for good measure by bringing in a fourth player this time, Rory “The Tartan Terror” Stewart, an actual Scotsman who is descended from generations of tossed cabers. This means New York won’t have to deploy Omega Knudsen, but she is still there, wearing steel-toed sneakers just in case.
Play starts with Sponsor Lovejoy (brought to you by Honeywick Graphics) versus Šébastien. Thanks to the glass court we are able to watch intense action from the front for the first time (which sounds like something the Bragman would say if he wasn’t busy tunnelling out of the Ohio State Penitentiary). A peaceful 30 shot rally sets the pace for the evening, and HOLY CRAP THERE ARE 78 MINUTES LEFT IN THIS PERIOD?!
The hell with tranquilizers. We need someone whose nickname is Benzedrine!
Without the announcers talking I feel like I’m right there with the crowd in New York, minus the $55 appetizers. After losing the first two points, Le Bon Éclair goes on a four-point tear and we get a good shot of the jam-packed crowd. Not only does it appear to be the biggest and most diverse NSL one yet, but one lady appears to be wearing a “is-it-blue-or-gold” meme dress from ten years ago (This lady has the correct answer: it is black and white). As time and the looooong rallies grind on, though, one thing becomes clear. Sponsor (brought to you by SquashSite) merely adopted the boredom. S3baŽtian was born in it, molded by it. After all, Lovejoy went to Yale where, at several key points during your career, you are required to do something. In French universities, though, you automatically fail if you ever complete a project. As such, the Éclair is content to sit back and let his opponent scurry around the court, winning the point when the latter inevitably finds some grain and gets distracted. Someone shouts “let’s go” from the crowd and it’s the most distinct thing I’ve heard all night. It is New York, so presumably that’s code for someone to get whacked by the mob, but this lights a fire under Bonmalais and he goes up 8-5 before hitting a ball into the front row as part of a prearranged protest to demand universal television remotes. He recovers emotionally to get the score to 6-9, where, as is required by NSL charter, Coach Bear is required to do something to celebrate. Bear decides to swap Lovejoy for TJ Dembinski in an attempt to go viral.
The crowd goes suitably bonkers. There seem to be at least seventy people here, doubtless generating a minimum of $17,000 in parking fines on Pearl Street alone, and they aren’t disappointed. A leisurely 55-shot rally at 6-10 ends with a Sebåstiän victory, following which New York Coachowner Hill, sensing the moment is right and bowing to popular demand, pulls the Frenchman and decides to SEND KNUDES!!
What happens next is infinitely excellent and requires you to focus, so stop smelling that Sharpie and listen. First, The Spinnerbender picks up where he left off in Chicago, playing so fast that he gets at least one point before Newport can call a power play to ice him as he comes on, then serving it anyway while TJ is trying to figure out who called the play. Then the scorekeeping team gives the power play to New York, counting a couple of points for KNOOODS before TJ picks up three, one of which he gets credit for, and then WE GO TO A COMMERICAL BREAK MID POWER PLAY! IT’S THE HEIDI GAME ALL OVER AGAIN! But fortunately when we come back, the rally is still going and the period is down to 7 minutes – or is it? – and we have no idea how much time is left on the power play, but it doesn’t seem to matter because TJ, now fully convinced that he’s in the middle of a New York power play, has been sucked into a sixty shot rally that nets him no points. When he finally realizes what is happening, he dribbles the ball off the back wall in frustration and Coach Bear Dyke decides to smash the Kaleidoscope and send in Mad Titan Ron. Just as Hammertime leaves, the graphics return and tell us that not only has Newport been on a power play this whole time but it has been extended. Then New York is awarded a 0 second power play and the whole process starts again.
In the past, as a fan, you could only get this level of confusion and excitement if your swinger’s cruise ran aground in a gorilla enclosure. But thanks to the NSL you can live it every weekend!
Unfortunately for Ron, Knudes’ array of filth takes a while to break through but he is perfectly suited for this format. He hits nothing but kill shots and gives New York a 12-point lead. Dictator-for-life Hill now deploys her final weapon, Rory Stewart, who is built like a claymore and just as much fun at parties. He extends the lead to a wince-inducing 23-9. I’m not going to lie, Ron looks a little distracted, like he came in ready to kick ass and chew jalebi but he was presented with the bill upon first entering the restaurant and now he’s trying to get all his guests seated while quietly arguing with the manager. How much time is left? One minute, according to Duke Buckingham. It’s going to be tough for the Kaleidoscope to put up thirteen points in sixty seconds, but as we’ve seen the NSL is pretty wild. Just in case, the overjoyed crowd is determined not to give him any momentum and counts down the seconds until New York wins the period.
We then learn that Ultimate Warrior Hill pulled her most brilliant substitution yet by substituting HERSELF early in the match and Slammin’ Sam Scherl was calling the shots this whole time. Apparently there are no rules about substituting coaches!
The signs were there – this kid in the front row is wearing a Scherl jersey, for instance – but I’ll have to watch the stream again to see what the rest of the clues were. Meanwhile, on the left of the screen, someone with a laptop and an extremely tight polo shirt tries to hail Sean and the Bragman via Smartinmate. He fails and wanders away, at about the same time we are treated to a fan coming in with what looks to be a drink and some adorable cocktail weenies, which, at Happy Hour pricing, comes out to $112.95 or a flat $135 if you include the tip.
To deflate the crowd, Newport decides to start off the second period with Lovejoy-Bonmalais 2, on the theory that even if the clock is working and L’Ëclair takes a lead the audience will be too subdued to care. Sponsor (brought to you by the Greenbrier) takes a quick lead on the back of some goofiness since Seb wasn’t recovered from his cigarette-and-poetry break yet, but the surge ends when Sponce tins a ball into orbit. The crowd, incidentally, has gotten larger and has to be an NSL record, which is bad news for the fire code but good news for the New York municipal congestion tax that I keep hearing about. An incredible philosophical rally, probably the NSL’s best so far, sees Bonmalais really stretch to make his arguments but ultimately be awarded an honorary doctorate in theoretical angst, while leaving Sponsor (brought to you by Maspeth Squash) kicking himself for not putting more crayon drawings in his dissertation. This prompts the NSL’s first-ever Total Switcheroo™. We now get TJ Dembinski (Dragons) versus Rory Stewart (Kuniggits) re-enacting the poster from Peter Jackson’s “The Two Towers.” On an unrelated note, I realize at this moment, after watching every NSL match, that my Youtube resolution has been set on “Auto” this whole time and by changing it to 1080P suddenly I can see where the ball is. THIS IS THE FUTURE, SON!
New York has a board up top, with scores and “let” calls and everything! If they have it there, could we have it anywhere?!
It’s not TJ’s night. Apparently when the players double as radio masts there’s going to be a lot of incidental contact and the guy who has spent the last six years making a ton of money OFF the court is a little less agile than the guy who has spent the time making medium amounts of money ON it. Still, they do knock down a couple of passing airplanes when hitting lobs, which is cool and will give the government something to do.
After our second consecutive Total Switcheroo™, with the score at 6-22 (Newport got docked a point when I wasn’t paying attention, probably for smuggling guns or something), Coach Slammer Scherl tries to put things away by calling a power play. He’s got the man to do it in KNUUUDES but Newport has Taint Man Rod to try and stall things out again. Having seen what Mãtías is capable of now, Rod holds on for an excruciating hundred seconds but finally breaks and gives up four quick points at the end. That is how intimidating Knudes’ knudes are! In retaliation Newport calls THEIR power play, which makes sense because they need to use it at some point and are facing the biggest deficit in NSL history, but doesn’t make sense in that Taint Man’s body language is worrisome, like he made the connecting flight to the US but his colon stayed in Dubai. Accordingly, out of sportsmanship the two players come to an arrangement where they’re just going to mess with each other for the remaining two minutes but even THAT backfires against Newport when Ṁaṭiaʂ somehow gets the point after hitting the ball into himself. The Duke tries to get everyone riled up for the countdown but even the crowd is a bit horrified by what is happening. When it ends, the Knights’ 19-point win is the biggest single-period victory in the NSL so far.
The Duke interviews Lovejoy during the break, but the giant scorecard taped to Sponce’s face makes it hard to hear what he’s saying.
We get some good house music before period 3, revitalizing the crowd, and Newport decides to empty the tank by sending An Random Tit back out, on the theory that he could die at any minute and they need to get their money’s worth. They flew him over from India and if he can play the entire half hour, great! Slammer Scherl is ready for this, though, and sends out S3båstîàn, immediately calling a power play. But wait, then it turns out he called Newport’s one-minute power play! Can he do that? The graphics say New York! Then the power play goes to Newport! Then it’s back to New York again! Since no one knows exactly what is going on, Tit and Bonmalais interfere with each other in a beautiful display of passive-aggression until the play ends and the Duke claims Newport is up 3-1, surprising Random most of all since I’m not even sure he knew he was on the court anymore. When the scoreboard finally comes back Newport is now up 5-1, but that quickly gets erased when Bonmalais realizes his opponent is showing the acceleration of a glacier.
With a 6-9 advantage, Scherl, in accordance with the rules, sends Knudes and calls his one-minute power play in an attempt to drive Tit from the game. However, a funny thing happens – Random is now fully familiar with Knudsen’s goofiness, and deploys a combination of lethargy and strategic call fishing to burn through all but five seconds with Newport in control! Even better, when Knudsen finally breaks through for a point, he is unable to capitalize with a quick serve because Tit is still meandering back to the receiving box. Having found his stride, Random burns out the rest of his shift with a combination of good-natured lobs and drop shots that amaze even him when they work, and as a bonus jukes himself at 8-16 by miming like he’s going to hit the ball between his legs and then not doing so.
“Putting the Leisure back in Leisure Center Boast!”
Coach Bear sends in Sponsor Lovejoy (brought to you by Jpress), pulling Tit from the match and possibly the sport. For KNUDES’ swan song, New York calls their two minute power play and the Columbian Viking puts up 5 points. Determined to show they enjoy a joke as much as anyone Newport announces theirs, despite Sponsor not usually playing offense or generally calling attention to himself out of fear he’ll be eaten by a cat. Sure enough, he only averages one point per minute for the two minutes of power play, which doesn’t really help as they needed more like twelve.
Scherl can now taste the finish line and implements the Stewart Restoration. While Sponsor takes a point off the Tartan Terror, everyone can see he doesn’t have dark enough socks and so Bear plays his final card for Newport, forcing Hammer Dembinski back onto the court after he’d already left for a date. Sadly, it doesn’t help close the gap for the Dragons, as TJ sets the record for tin connections in a shift, so Sponsor re-enters since An Random is AWOL and TJ’s date(s?) are waiting. The Tranquilizer gives it all he’s got, splitting points with the rogue Scotsman until he slips everyone a roofie with a record-setting 76-shot rally down 17-34, but unfortunately he also spikes himself and hits a volley into the tin. Nothing is going right for the Dragons! To make matters worse, Scherl twists the knife by sending L’Éclair Dangereux back in, and Bonmalais immediately repays him by, in the most French thing ever, calling for a new ball with five minutes left and an eighteen-point lead.
Even Sponser (brought to you by Hermés) can’t believe they are our allies.
Stunningly, New York isn’t done yet, with $eB going 8-2 over the last five minutes to make the final score 44-20, breaking the victory margin record that they themselves set forty minutes ago. As the crowd relaxes from the non-tension, Supreme Commander Hill comes over while New York’s future number 1 overall pick starts warming up in the background. I can’t understand her but she seems justifiably stoked. Sponsor Lovejoy (brought to you by US Squash), in the interests of harmony, calls for a sponsor banner to be brought onto the court for photographs, and while the Newport Dragons come out with the enthusiasm of men facing a firing squad (hopefully “Bear” Dyke will only use rubber bullets this time) they still cordially thank the hundred-plus fans for coming out and spending the GDP of a small nation on hors d’oeuvres.
The Duke of Buckingham tries to stir up some shit between New York and Nashville for the finals, but with the microphone set to “wet sponge” it’s tough for anyone at home to hear what it is. We will have to assume they hate each other with the fire of a thousand suns. After some audience questions, most of which revolve around whether it’s okay to wear a suit with sneakers (no), the stream ends and we are left to ponder the championship on June 21st. Can anyone stop the Knights? Will Crushers’ fans be able to find good barbecue in Philly? Will Sean make bail and broadcast the match of his dreams for his fellow White (jersey) supremacists? Most importantly, HOW MANY KNUDSENS ARE THERE?! On June 21 at 7 PM, we will answer exactly one of those questions, but I’m not going to tell you which one. You’ll have to tune in to find out. So until then, adios, stretch frequently and RESPECT THE GAME!
jim
